Cessation of Good
by Chyna Rose
Summary: Daisuke's thoughts on paper


Cessation of Good

Cessation of Good

By Chyna Rose

Disclaimer: Digimon = Toei

~~*@*~~

I guess you could call me one of the good guys. Okay, so it's not one of the most impressive way to start. But give me a break. I'm not exactly good at this kind of thing. I asked some of my friends for advice on how to write this, and they said to just write without thinking about it. Then again, since I don't plan on anyone ever reading this, it kinda doesn't matter. Or at least anyone other than Ken or Chibimon that is.

I don't think of myself as a hero. Yeah, I know that a lot of heroes say that. But I really don't think of myself as a hero. I haven't really **done** anything heroic. Yeah, I helped to save the world, but I didn't do it for any altruistic reasons. I did it to impress Hikari and because the others expected me to.

Hikari and the others. I don't know why they put up with me, or I them. They really aren't my friends. Friends don't laugh at you and expect you to fit some moldy stereotype.

I'm not as dumb as I look. Or as clumsy, or as happy. They **all** say things about me to my face, and expect me to just let it roll off. And, I guess it's kinda my fault since when they do this, I simply ignore it; pretend it didn't hurt. Maybe not **all** of them. Ken never insulted me. And even when he was the Digimon Kaiser, he never really insulted **me**. It was always my digimon who was pathetic, or the whole collective group of us. But he never attacked me personally.

I was the first of our group to welcome Ken in. I was the second to fully forgive him; wormmon was really the first. And do you want to know why I forgave him so readily? It had nothing to do with dark spores, or dark oceans, or dark digivices. I forgave Ken because it could so easily have been me as the Kaiser.

What really makes some one good or evil anyway? Take a hero –let's call him P –and a villain we'll call Q. Q's the warlord of a kingdom. Q's kinda strict, and a number of people who live under him aren't happy. One of these people –R –tries to murder Q. R is caught, and sentenced to be executed. Now R has some friends, and these friends tell P about Q and the plans for R –leaving out what R did to get in that predicament in the first place. P doesn't live under Q. In fact, P lives two kingdoms over and has never even heard of Q before. P also doesn't like what he's heard about Q from these friends of R who may just be a bit biased when it comes to Q. P stops Q from executing R by **killing Q**, and P is toted as a hero.

Why is it that people label others as Bad, in order to justify their actions against that person. Actions that would be called evil in that other person. I just can't understand the concept of Good and Evil. How can there be such things if evil done in the name of 'Good' is exalted, while **anything** done in the name of 'Evil' is reviled. And who says what is right anyway.

But I'm getting way off topic here. I think. I'm not even sure what the topic is, or should be. As I said before, no-one but Ken or Chibimon's going to read this. Maybe it doesn't even need a point.

The problem with writing without thinking, is that it makes no sense. It's just random crap on a page. 

I could've been evil. I could become evil. I could hurt someone; make them bleed and cry out in pain. I want to hurt someone. I want to make other feel my pain. Put a physical scar on them for every emotional one they give me. The teasing hurts. I am sick of hurting. I want the world to suffer. I want the pain to stop. I want the hurting to stop. 

Why did I let Hikari hurt me so much. Because I couldn't face the truth. I couldn't even fully admit it to myself. I never really liked Hikari –not romantically anyway. But maybe if I kept pretending, kept denying, maybe I could grow to love her. But I can't. And there's no use lying to myself. I am gay. Eventually I may be able to come out to my friends and family.

Why did I let the others hurt me so much. Because I didn't have any friends. I have to real friends now; Ken and Chibimon. But the others don't seem to count me as a friend. If they did, they'd realize that their words and laughter hurt me even if I don't let it show.

Why did I write this. Because I realized that I was about to shove a knife into my arm. I needed to let the pain and hurt and frustration out, but I found that I couldn't hurt Ken or Chibimon. They mean too much to me to let that happen. They're the only ones who really care about me. And by hurting myself, I was hurting them. I just want the pain to stop. Ken suggested that I paint it with words and ink rather than blood and steel.

I have the Digiegg of Courage, but I'm a coward. I have the Digiegg of Friendship, but didn't really have any friends when I got it. Ken has the Crest of Kindness, but once showed only cruelty. I once saved the world, but all I did was remind others to fight. I once convinced a friend that they didn't have to fight alone. I once sent someone on the way to personal reform. I once made others see that people change and that everyone needs a second chance. My name is Daisuke Motomiya, and I have worked miracles. But I am no hero.


End file.
